nut hugger
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Are we still banned from the library?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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