4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
