I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
