You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
