i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
