I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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