At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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