just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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