I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
