I love black thongs
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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