You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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