I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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