I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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