dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
