She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
