i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
