Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he thought i was a dude.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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