Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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