I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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