Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
