so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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