birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
