I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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