I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I love you. Go after that dick
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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