I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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