the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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