my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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