Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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