How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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