If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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