Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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