I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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