then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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