his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
