When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
