I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
