his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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