haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
