I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
