Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
