Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
