It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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