I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
