i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
