its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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