Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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