I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
