its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
