yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
