She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
