At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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